For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.