Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

Watermelon Boss!

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.