Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Me trying to “trust the process”

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.