Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis