Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

How is it still this week?

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.