For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.