For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
this is the kind of friend i am
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Sharon I have some bad news
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
