Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.