Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO