Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”