for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
The glockness monster
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Phonetics
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.