Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Danger is very dangerous

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

SCARY COSTUME

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Sending in my taxes

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.