For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
$4 #usedbooks
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class