For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
…żyje?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
this has to be peak English
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I love you to the refrigerator and back
At ease
this is 10/10 content no notes
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
They also CAN sing✌️
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.