For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Just grow your own
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.