Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.