Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.