For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
You Might Also Like
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
one week till the election
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I was just discussing this with my cat
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.