Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

favorite tropes as memes

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN