For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”