Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.