Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

I can’t stop laughing at this

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

is nasa ok

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life