Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one