Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Breaking news:

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.