For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Worth the read.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
oh she’s cooked
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.