Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Well, this is awkward
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Noah was an idiot.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS