For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
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I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
How animals would run if they were human
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.