Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.