For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
fair
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I love art.
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choose your fighter
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.