For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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the red hot silly peppers
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.