Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.