Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
no refunds
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
scrabbled eggs
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I