For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.