For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic