Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.