For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum