Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!