Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.