For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.