For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Uh oh 👀
See..?
.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking