For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Bro what is this
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about