“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.