“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.