For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
You Might Also Like
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again