Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

I know

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

why would tinder want me to say this

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.