For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection