Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.