Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…