for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
You Might Also Like
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.