for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
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they really do be looking like this
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My five year plan is a meteorite
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”