Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

I’m tired tomorrow.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.