For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
mandolin: finally a violin for men
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me when my alarm goes off
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”