For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
