For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
