For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*