Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.