Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.