Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.