Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.