For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.