For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
😭😭😭
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.