For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
What about second breakfast?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.