Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”