For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.