For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here