For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
You Might Also Like
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
LMAO
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.