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@xysist: For once in my life, I'd just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
@PinkCamoTO: 5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
@jonnysun: what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ "no pulp" insted of "pulp fiction"
@tchrquotes: 6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What's that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
@OctopusCaveman: [About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird's beak* Good boy Rory.
Me: Don't you feel stupid now?