Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?