Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!