God must be a Republican. He wasn’t that into humans until He found His Son was one.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.