For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.