For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does