For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Is….Is this an option?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”