Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”