For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Lmao
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*