for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
live long and prosper!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
an airline just for babies.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.